I’m starting to wonder if my “search” for roots or something to grasp as of late is due (even in part) to the fact that my “roots” are being completely torn up out of the dusty ground they were in. True, those roots were dead… they hadn’t produced anything in a long time and were simply playmates for the weeds… but they were still in the ground.

 Soon they won’t be… and I am finding myself misplaced and muddled… perhaps the illusion of “solidity” in my life was always just that… an illusion. I no longer know… but I am not sure if the confusion is caused by the oddity of watching reality scratch its claws across the picture of “life” I had folded up in my jacket pocket and would take out from time to time in casual remembrance… or if its from something else I haven’t yet put my finger on.

It’s funny how much family affects us though we try so heartily (or at least I try so heartily) to convince myself it doesn’t. And family is precisely who I refer to when I use the term “roots.” It doesn’t help that my family was my first association with my faith either. And though I know the two are not the same, they came up from the ground rather intertwined, and now dead, lifeless stuff has clung to the one tender shoot left, choking for sunshine and freedom to figure itself out and become what it was meant to be.

They are not the same, but I suppose it doesn’t matter if you build a wall with different materials… if some of those pieces fall out, eventually the entire wall is going to give. And I thought I took pains to make sure they were always separate but I see that too was an illusion I created in my mind. Family is not forever, though something tells me it was supposed to be.

So there were two things left that I naively thought, despite being riddled with mistakes, confusion and messiness, were things I’d always have…

Family and Faith.

And now even the “semblance” of “Family” and all that family was and is meant to be is gone and all that’s left is Faith. But faith in something shadowy that is yet unseen… that’s sounds scripturally familiar… The materials that didn’t fall out of my wall but were part of the wall that is now fallen nonetheless… I know they still mean something and were meant to be a part of some structure… so I haven’t thrown them out, nor would I want to…. I just need to figure out what that structure is…