I have always had a rather strange method of operating the radio which used to drive my poor little sister insane during our morning drives to highschool. I love pressing the scan button and then waiting for a song I like. Unfortunately even if I do find a song I like, I listen for 20 seconds and then press “scan” again because I have this nagging idea that something I like even more just might be playing a few stations away and I could be missing it! Even though I am fully aware this is absurd, it’s something I’ve never gotten over and still do anytime I’m in the car and using the radio. This also applies to watching television or anything involving numerous choices. 

This “excitement toward the unknown” extends even further into really mundane and foolish things. Things like that tiny 2 second gap between hearing my cell phone ring and seeing the name pop up on my cell screen. In that 2 seconds my mind is bombarded with the realization that the call just might be from anyone. Yes I realize it’s most likely a friend or my mother or my loan company calling to tell me my payments are past due.. but it could be some distant relative of John Steinbeck who wants to have lunch with me and discuss our shared affinity for his writing. Or a handsome Irish man who also wants to have lunch and discuss his affinity for me… 😉

 And the same goes for letters, e-mails, packages and anything that momentarily conceals what lies beneath. It’s the potential each of these scenarios has which appeal to me more than anything. I like the idea that anything could happen, even if it never does.

 I like the unknown because it means that though something concretely awful might be staring me in the face in this moment… there is a handful of years and days and moments that are not concrete, and which haven’t happened yet and in which everything could change. It doesn’t matter if that change is better or worse.. it’s something different. 

 And perhaps this idea of something different on a consistent basis appeals to me because I honestly and truly haven’t any concrete notions about who I am or what I was “built for” or “made to do,” which means I haven’t anything to begin planning for. And I’m starting to believe this “who am I” and “what should I be doing” pursuit is fruitless and pointless anyhow and just might not be something I ever needed to focus on in the first place. 

My life, thus far, has just been this series of things that “happened.” There isn’t really anything in my life (beyond my deciding I should pursue music in college) that came as a result of my planning to accomplish anything. I ended up at NCU because I happened to be in a band that happened to play for an AG church who happened to have a speaker from NCU who spoke to me about their music program. And I visited, liked it and decided to come. That’s all.  I still have no idea what “pursuing music” actually means… it’s just a fuzzy notion and the absolute antithesis of concrete.

 And now I’m moving to South Korea, which certainly doesn’t look anything like “pursuing music.” But then again… neither does staying in Minneapolis, working at an online University whilst strangling myself with the very thin financial strings I am hanging from. 

All sarcasm aside, I’ve had a few people ask me if I “prayed about this” or felt God “calling me to South Korea” and the answer is… no.  Honestly? I did not pray about it in the sit down, “Hey God, what do you think of this idea?” as much as I just went ahead and applied because I’ve been saying for a long time, “Hey God I want to go your direction so just keep me apprised on that if you could.” And figured… if this isn’t it something will make that clear.

 I also do not feel “called” to South Korea or to anywhere or to anything for that matter. I mostly just need to do this because I no longer believe in working a job just for the security of having stuff and a supposed “life.” I can understand people who work a job they don’t enjoy if they have a family they need to support but in my case… working a job I don’t enjoy just to come home to no one but myself is just plain illogical torture. It’s not necessary.

 I’m not trying to build a life. I’m not. There is nothing in this world that appeals to me so much that I’m willing to devote every second of my time to it. There is nothing I want to be so badly that I’ll spend years and years attaining pieces of paperwork confirming my professional status in it. The truth is the idea of having to be one thing for my entire life would be torture… for me. 

I know there comes a time in everyone’s life where they have to suck it up and keep at the less than pleasant task they’ve been assigned. This is not that time for me. My only responsibilities are financial and this opportunity is actually better for me than anything else I can find. And as I have no aspirations (career or life wise) there is no reason for me to buckle down and wade through the slimy hierarchy of the corporate world.

 The thing is while I don’t know what I am built for,  I do know what I am not built for. And right now that’s the only place for me to go from. I have no ambition to figure out my life calling. There are only two things I feel compelled to want or accomplish and they are things that frustrate the hell out of me with trying to figure out…  Love God sincerely and spend my life on other people by helping them to feel loved, loving them genuinely and putting them before myself.

 And ironically those two things seems to be what I am worst at. But if I could do that… it wouldn’t matter if I ever “accomplished” anything or lived a “full life” or figured out my “calling.” I feel like my reaching for any of that without having focused on the loving God, loving people part, would render all of it void anyhow.

 In my mind I’ve made a complete mess of things so far… and I don’t believe moving to a new location will fix it or make it easier. I just know that I am aching for the unknown and to get to a place where I can hear again. I have always been driven toward that unknown and if I really am loved by a Creator… perhaps He is fine with and even expects me to operate in the way I was created…  restless and wandering, constantly wrestling… but still, in the deepest part of my soul which even my angriest and most despondent moments cannot touch, finding myself desiring Him…  and just maybe He… and the secret to living a life not spent on oneself… is out there in that unknown.